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oh we are maudlin today....

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

my diagnosed major depressive disorder that seemed to be under control went absolutely haywire.

I'm on more meds that make me sleepy and unmotivated, and it takes so much energy just to not scream.

I dont know who I am right now. Am I the polite, ready to help out with a smile and ready to launch into some intellectual conversation, the smile plastered on like a mask along with the "I'm fine how are you?" that tastes like one of my more foul tasting meds melted in the back of my mouth.

Or am I the one who is reading horror stories and thrillers and horrible, horrible things that dont phase me because what my brain creates with these episodes is far more frightening than anything I face on a page.

If I dont know, how can anyone else?

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
trista_zevkia
Nov. 8th, 2011 05:50 am (UTC)
I'm on lexapro and abilify, but I don't think the abilify does anything. Only way I've survived this long is to always be distracted by something. Always have a book to read or a notebook to write in anything to keep my brain from thinking, that's what gets me into trouble, that thinking. Laying in bed and waiting to go to sleep is the worst.
Not much help to you, but insert 'You are not alone' by Mavis Staples here.
I'm major depressive disorder with episodes of melancholy, by the way.
mad_persephone
Nov. 9th, 2011 10:33 am (UTC)
thanks. I think we all need the "we are not alone" every now and then. *hug*
purrslink
Nov. 9th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
*many hugs!* It is good to hear from you, though I'm sorry to hear you have been having a hard time. :( I hope everything works out. Don't give up hope! Things will get better - they almost always do. <3
mad_persephone
Nov. 9th, 2011 11:01 pm (UTC)
I aint givin up. I've come this far. Its just so odd and scary. feel so out of control in my brain. But I took a huge step actually ringing my shrink and actually saying the words "I need help" which has been chronically difficult for me to say, to the point that to a psych, I never have. So that was a big step. and its good to hear from you hun. *hugs and purrs*
purrslink
Nov. 10th, 2011 03:35 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad to hear you took that step and got help! That is honestly one of the hardest things to do. :) Get well, or at least to a better place!, soon! *hugs!*

And yeah, been MIA for a bit...I'm back now!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )